


Silence Gives You Space

by liveinfury



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Established Relationship, M/M, Misunderstandings, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 04:33:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9964907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liveinfury/pseuds/liveinfury
Summary: “Have you been avoiding me?”“’Course not,” Patrick says. “I’m just letting you do your own thing.”“My own thing?”“Yeah, didn’t want to crowd your space,” Patrick blurts out. Fuck, he didn’t mean to actually say that.“You’re not…”“Cool.”





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tazer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tazer/gifts).



> this is for Ellie for being such an amazing gifmaker and always gif-ing anything i ask for. she's a gem! <3 her request was college au with established relationship and a little angst so... here it is?
> 
> title is a lyric from "Fake You Out" by Twenty One Pilots.

“Hey,” Patrick says, kissing Jonny’s cheek before sliding into the seat next to him at the library.

“Hey,” Jonny says, sounding distracted. 

“You take a break yet?” Patrick asks. Jonny’s been studying for hours now, Patrick figured he’d stop by and check in on him.

“Yeah,” Jonny says. 

“You eat?”

“Yup, grabbed some snacks from the vending machine.”

“Jonny,” Patrick says sternly. He reaches over and lays his hand flat over Jonny’s notes. This gets his attention.

“What?” he asks, annoyed. “This is my last exam in Poli Sci before finals. I need to pull my grade up before it’s too late.”

“Take a break,” Patrick says. “Let’s go grab some dinner.”

Jonny looks like he’s about to argue but then thinks better of it. “Yeah, okay. Food sounds like a good idea.”

“Can’t study on an empty stomach,” Patrick says, smiling.

When they start making their way to the diner a few blocks down, Patrick holds Jonny’s hand and threads their fingers together.

“I love you,” Patrick says, softly. It’s not the first time he’s said it to Jonny, but he still gets giddy over the idea that he gets to say it at all and that Jonny says it back.

“Love you too,” Jonny says. 

*

Patrick wakes up, limbs tangled with Jonny’s, to someone pounding on his door.

“What?” he grumbles.

“I’m making pancakes, you guys want some?” Sharpy asks through the door.

Patrick tilts his head to look at Jonny who’s rubbing his eyes in an effort to wake up. “Pancakes?”

Jonny nods and starts to untangle himself from Patrick.

“Yeah!” Patrick shouts to Sharpy. He grabs Jonny before he can leave the bed and retangles them. “Stay,” he whispers.

“Gotta pee,” Jonny mumbles, but he settles back in next to Patrick and doesn’t protest.

“Pee later, cuddle now,” Patrick says, tucking his face into Jonny’s neck.

They’ve been together for a few months now and Patrick can’t get over how this is his. He gets to have Jonny like this, all sleepy and soft. 

Patrick’s known Jonny since freshmen year. Their dorms were across the hall from each other and connected pretty quickly over their love for hockey. For a while, there was a lot of pining on both of their parts. They were too scared to risk their friendship for something more, but a few months ago Patrick, very anticlimactically, got the courage to ask Jonny out. Plain and simple.

_“Go out with me?” Patrick said, leaning his shoulder into Jonny’s. They were watching TV in his suite’s common area. It was a rare night where none of his roommates were home._

_“Like on a date?” Jonny asked, looking worried._

_“Yes,” Patrick said. “Date me.”_

_“Are you sure?” Jonny asked, turning to face Patrick. “This might not end well. One or both of us might get hurt.”_

_“I don’t care,” Patrick said. “I’m not going to live my life based on what might happen. I want you. I want to be with you, Jonny.”_

_Jonny cupped his face in his hands and smiled. “Okay,” he whispered, lips brushing against Patrick’s. “Okay, let’s date.”_

*

Patrick’s got a hand wrapped around Jonny’s waist, face leaning against his shoulder as they talk to a few of their friends. Sharpy decided to throw a last minute party for the hell of it and after working a double shift at the tutoring center and writing a paper for English, Patrick can barely stay on his feet.

Jonny slowly pulls away from him.

“Where’re you going?” Patrick asks.

“Gonna get another drink,” Jonny says. “Want anything?”

“I’m good,” Patrick responds. “Hurry back!”

Jonny nods and heads to the kitchen. 

Patrick keeps himself busy by plopping himself on the couch and watching an ongoing game of make shift beer pong being held on their coffee table.

Patrick doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting there but Jonny’s still not back and he’s getting restless. He makes his way to the kitchen to see what he’s up to.

“…things with you and Patrick?” Sharpy says as Patrick approaches the threshold of the kitchen area. He stops when he hears his name and backs up so he’s hidden. 

Jonny doesn’t say anything, or he does, but Patrick misses it.

“Can’t be that bad, you guys are always together,” Sharpy says.

“That’s kind of the problem,” Jonny says. “And it’s not _that_ bad.”

Patrick’s stomach drops. He pokes his head around the frame and sees it’s just Jonny and Sharpy, so Jonny has no reason to lie. Maybe they saw and knows he’s listening, maybe it’s just a joke. He should probably walk in there and call his bluff, but Patrick can’t seem to move his feet.

“What do you mean?” Sharpy asks.

“He’s great and everything, but Pat’s just so clingy sometimes,” Jonny answers.

Patrick feels like someone’s repeatedly stabbing his chest. He feels his entire body shaking and rooted to the spot. He doesn’t want to hear this, he doesn’t want to know anymore, but he just can’t move.

“He’s always around, like always,” Jonny continues. “Always touching and holding hands, cuddling, kissing.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” Sharpy says.

“No, but constantly? It gets a bit too much,” Jonny says. “Sometimes when I’m with him I feel like I can’t breathe, like he’s suffocating me.”

Sharpy sighs. “You tell him this?”

“No, no way,” Jonny says. “And you’re not either. It took us forever to get together, and if I bring this up, he’ll get the wrong idea.”

“What’s the wrong idea?”

“That I don’t want to be with him or something. I love him, I really do, but if we talked about this, he would question our relationship and I don’t want that,” Jonny answers.

“So what? You’re going to stay with him even though you’re miserable?” Sharpy asks.

Patrick swallows even though his mouth is dried up. He realizes he’s been holding his breath, so he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, and then another one, but it’s not working. His chest is tightening and he can’t fucking breathe. He can't lose Jonny when he just got him, he can't.

“I’m not miserable,” Jonny says. “It’s just one small thing. It’s not a big deal. I still love him.”

Patrick wills his feet to move and he stumbles over to the couch to get some stability.

“Patrick?” Abby says, standing up from the couch and putting a hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Can’t…breathe,” Patrick manages to get out. His chest continues to tighten no matter how much air he breathes in.

“Oh, honey,” Abby says. “I think you’re having a panic attack. Come here, sit down.”

Patrick can’t move anymore, so he just slides to the ground instead of on the couch that she’s trying to maneuver him to. 

“Jonny!” she shouts.

“No,” Patrick gasps out. “Don’t.”

“He’ll help,” Abby says, pulling out her phone and tapping on it. “Is Jonny with you? Tell him to come to the living room. I think Patrick’s having a panic attack. I don’t know what to do.”

Within seconds, Jonny’s in front of him. “Patrick,” he says, worried. “Look at me.”

Patrick slowly does as he’s told, but the sight of Jonny makes things worse. “I-“

“Shhh,” Jonny soothes him. “Don’t talk, just concentrate on breathing.”

Patrick’s about to say that that’s obviously what’s he’s been trying to do, but Jonny must sense it because he rolls his eyes and says, “I know, I’m stating the obvious. Breathe with me, okay?”

Patrick nods and follows his lead. He times his breathing with Jonny’s as Jonny’s hand grips the back of Patrick’s neck. 

“You’re fine, Pat,” Jonny says. “Everything’s okay. You’re okay.”

Jonny trails his hand down Patrick’s back and starts rubbing. Patrick instinctively reaches for Jonny’s other hand, gripping it tightly between his palms, but this is exactly what Jonny doesn’t like, so Patrick drops his hand as if it’s on fire.

“Keep breathing with me,” Jonny says, grabbing Patrick’s hand in his. “There you go.”

Patrick can feel his lungs starting to fill again. The vice grip on his chest loosens. 

“Here, have some water,” Abby says, pushing a water bottle in his face. 

Patrick sips on some water as Jonny threads a hand through his curls and kisses his forehead.

“What happened?” Jonny asks.

“Dunno,” Patrick mumbles. No way in hell is he telling Jonny the truth. There’s nothing more embarrassing then hearing your boyfriend say you’re too clingy, having a panic attack about it, and then having said boyfriend bring you out of it through his touches. 

“C’mon,” Jonny says, ushering him to his feet. “Let’s get you bed. You’ve had a long day.”

Jonny wraps an arm around Patrick’s shoulder and leads him to his room. Once they’re there, he tugs off Patrick’s pants and shirt.

“Did you have a lot to drink?” Jonny asks as Patrick lowers himself down on the bed.

Patrick shakes his head.

“So what happened?”

“I told you,” Patrick says. “I don’t know. I was fine one second and then the next I couldn’t breathe.”

Jonny takes off his clothes, leaving him in his tight black boxer briefs, and climbs into bed. He instantly pulls Patrick into his arms. “Maybe you should see a doctor. That was scary.”

“Maybe,” Patrick mumbles, but he doesn’t need one. He knows what really caused the panic attack. He unwraps himself from Jonny’s arms and flips over to face the wall. “Sorry. Need some space.”

“Oh, of course,” Jonny says. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No,” Patrick says, quickly. “I mean unless you want to.”

“I don’t want to, Pat,” he says, softly. “I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Jonny places a fleeting kiss on Patrick’s bare shoulder before shuffling away. 

Patrick’s decided if he doesn’t change, Jonny’s probably going to leave him. He knows Jonny said it wasn’t a big deal, but at some point it might be and Patrick can’t let it get to that. He’s going to stop being clingy.

*

The next day, Patrick wakes up tangled with Jonny as usual. Although, he doesn’t know how they got like that when they didn’t fall asleep touching. He untangles himself and slowly gets out of bed.

“What’re you doing?” Jonny asks, words slurred. He’s got his eyes closed, but his hand is patting the space around him like he’s trying to find Patrick.

“I’m hungry,” Patrick says. “Thinking of getting something from IHOP, want anything?”

“Omelette,” Jonny says, squinting at him. “You feeling better?”

“Yup,” Patrick says.

Jonny looks at him skeptically.

“I promise,” Patrick reassures him before putting on sweats and heading out. 

*

Patrick’s finished his tutoring session so he heads over to Jonny’s.

“Hey, babe,” he says when Jonny pulls open the door. Normally, this would be when Patrick would reach up on his tip toes and kiss Jonny hello, but he refrains from doing so. Jonny would hate it.

“Hi,” Jonny says, grinning. “Perfect timing. I’m so fucking hungry.”

“Then let’s go,” Patrick says.

They make their way out of their building and towards Patrick’s favorite Italian restaurant. He knows it’s Jonny’s too, but he never admits it.

Patrick slides his hands into his front pockets in an effort to keep himself from grabbing Jonny’s. This whole ‘not being clingy’ thing is a lot harder than he thought it was going to be. 

The dinner is delicious and for a while Patrick forgets about the night before. Sitting across from Jonny means there’s no way to actually touch him, so during dinner, Patrick doesn’t have to keep himself from doing anything.

On the way back to their dorms, Patrick tucks his hands back in his pockets. 

“My place or yours?” Jonny asks as they swipe into the building. They live on different floors this year, but rarely sleep apart since they started dating.

“Yours?” Patrick says. “You have an early class tomorrow, right?”

“Oh, fuck,” Jonny says, groaning. “Don’t remind me.”

When they’re tucked into bed, Jonny shuffles closer to Patrick and rests his chin on Patrick’s shoulder. “Are you okay?” he asks.

“Hmm?”

“You don’t seem yourself today,” Jonny explains. “Everything okay?”

“’Course,” Patrick says. “You know I’d tell you otherwise.”

“Kay,” Jonny says. “Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“Kiss me,” Jonny whispers into his shoulder.

Patrick turns around to face him. “What?”

“Kiss me,” Jonny repeats. “I don’t think we’ve even kissed today.”

“Oh, we haven’t?” Patrick asks, feigning ignorance. He knows they haven’t and it’s killing him.

Jonny shakes his head before closing the space between their lips. “I love you,” he whispers into Patrick’s mouth. 

When they pull away Patrick doesn’t make an effort to cuddle Jonny like he usually would. He lies there and lets Jonny wrap an arm around his waist.

Patrick remembers the problem is that he’s _too_ clingy. So he lets himself touch, but only a little. He slides his fingers through Jonny’s hand that rests on his hip. “Love you too,” he says, belatedly. 

*

Much of the same happens for a week. Patrick controls himself and limits his touching, and Jonny keeps up the questions. 

“Why do I feel like we barely ever see each other lately?” Jonny asks. They’re on his couch watching old reruns of The Office.

“I just saw you this morning,” Patrick says, shoveling popcorn into his mouth.

“I used to see you like five times a day,” Jonny says. 

Patrick shrugs in response. 

“Why are you sitting so far away?” Jonny asks before scooching over on the couch so that they’re thighs touch.

“You smell,” Patrick lies.

Jonny grabs a handful of popcorn and shoves it down Patrick’s shirt.

“Now I’m all buttery,” Patrick grumbles.

“Mmm, I can help with that,” Jonny says, wiggling his eyebrows. He pushes Patrick down by his shoulders and rucks his shirt up to expose his chest. Some of the popcorn falls to the ground but a few remain there.

Jonny closes his lips around each one before licking the butter residue off of Patrick’s stomach. “This shouldn’t be so hot,” Patrick says, looking down at Jonny. 

Jonny giggles before getting up and reaching for the popcorn bowl. He gets another handful, and before Patrick can react, shoves it down Patrick’s shorts. 

“You’re a dick,” Patrick says, laughing.

“I’ll show you a dick,” Jonny says, tugging off Patrick’s shorts.

Patrick groans at his stupid joke. “You’re the worst.”

“You love it,” Jonny whispers before grabbing Patrick’s dick his hand. He starts licking his dick up and down, and moaning.

“Don’t know what you’re moaning about,” Patrick says. “You don’t even like butter.”

Jonny pulls Patrick out of his mouth. “No, but I like your dick,” he says before going back to sucking it.

“Fuck,” Patrick groans. “Bedroom, Jonny. You’re roommates might come back.”

Jonny sighs and releases him again before hauling Patrick into his room.

Patrick shucks off his shirt as Jonny undresses himself. He lies on the bed, watching Jonny crawl towards him. Jonny takes Patrick’s hard dick into his hand, strokes it a few times before wrapping his mouth around the tip again. He slowly takes a bit more of it into his mouth until there’s nothing left to take. 

Jonny trails a finger down to Patrick’s hole and presses against it. 

Patrick groans and pushes his ass back against his finger, causing his dick to fall out of Jonny’s mouth. He looks down to see Jonny grin devilishly up at him.

Jonny licks at Patrick’s dick a few more times before getting up and hovering his own near Patrick’s ass.

“You gonna do something or just stare at it?” Patrick asks.

Jonny shoots him a glare before turning his attention to Patrick’s ass. He rubs a finger down his taint until it comes across Patrick’s hole. He teases the finger in, a few centimeters at a time before his entire finger is inside Patrick.

“Fuck,” Patrick groans at the painful pleasure. It’s not enough, he needs more. “More!” he shouts at Jonny in desperation.

Jonny slips his finger out of Patrick’s ass, leaving him feeling empty. Patrick scrambles on the bed, confused until he feels something wet press against his hole. He squirms at the feeling and moans when Jonny’s tongue licks a few times.

Jonny pulls Patrick’s cheeks apart and starts pushing his tongue into Patrick’s hole. He gets it in as far as he can before he starts moving it around inside Patrick.

Patrick tries to squeeze his ass in an effort to trap Jonny’s amazing tongue inside, but Jonny pulls away. 

“Eager?” Jonny asks. 

Patrick responds by grabbing Jonny’s dick and angling it towards his hole. He slips the tip of it inside before he realizes that they aren’t getting anywhere without lube. 

Jonny must realize the same thing because he hovers a hand in front of Patrick’s face, “Lick.”

Patrick gathers as much saliva as he can in his mouth and licks Jonny’s hand.

Jonny takes his hand back and slicks up his dick before pushing back into Patrick, going in a lot smoother this time. He keeps pushing until he bottoms out.

“Fuck, you’re tight, Pat,” Jonny mutters. “So good.”

Jonny thrusts deep into Patrick’s ass and wraps one arm around his neck and the other one around his bicep, keeping him close.

Every now and then, Jonny will slow down his thrusting, maddening Patrick to no end. He also alternates between whispering filthy words and sweet nothings against Patrick's skin. Patrick’s almost at the brink of coming when Jonny slows down again. Unable to control his actions, Patrick pushes his ass back into Jonny’s dick.

“Gonna come,” Jonny mumbles into Patrick’s neck.

Patrick shoves a hand between them and wraps it around his own dick. He tugs a few times before he comes, uncontrollably. 

Jonny thrusts once more before he comes too. "Fuck, you're amazing," he says before rolling off Patrick and heading to the bathroom.

Patrick closes his eyes for a few seconds when something warm and wet rubs against his ass. He blinks his eyes open to see Jonny hovering over him with a wet towel.

Jonny cleans his ass as best as he can before crawling back into bed with him.

"Love you," Patrick says, leaning over and kissing his cheek before turning back to his side of the bed and facing the wall like he’s been doing recently. It takes everything in him not to turn around and cuddle up to Jonny.

Just as he’s thinking this, Jonny’s arms snake around his waist and he tugs Patrick close. “C’mere,” he mumbles.

Patrick happily complies.

*

“I’m going to go find some food,” Patrick says, letting go of Jonny’s hand.

They’re at a frat party that’s more tame than usual. Patrick’s old roommate, Shawzy, is a member and invited them. 

On the way over, Jonny tugged Patrick’s hand out of his pocket and held it in his. Patrick felt pleased at the action, but then started to second guess it. It was more likely that Jonny felt like that was what Patrick wanted than what he really wanted. He keeps asking if Patrick’s okay, so maybe he knows. Maybe he’s caught on to what’s going on and is trying to please Patrick.

He checks in on Jonny periodically the rest of the night, but tries to keep a distance and let him do his own thing. 

Patrick’s catching up with Shawzy in the backyard when Jonny finds him.

“’Sup man?” Shawzy asks, pulling him into a bro hug.

“Hey,” Jonny says. “Fun party.”

“Yeah, finals are coming up, so we figured why not?”

Jonny looks at Patrick and tries to communicate something with his eyes. 

“I’m gonna head inside,” Shawzy says. “Thanks for coming.”

“What’s been up with you tonight?” Jonny asks once they’re alone.

“What do you mean?”

“Have you been avoiding me?”

“’Course not,” Patrick says. “I’m just letting you do your own thing.”

“My own thing?”

“Yeah, didn’t want to crowd your space,” Patrick blurts out. Fuck, he didn’t mean to actually say that. 

“You’re not…”

“Cool.”

There’s a pregnant silence for a while as Jonny looks at him with a confused expression on his face.

“What’s going on, Pat?”

“Nothing,” he says, shrugging.

“You always say that,” Jonny says. “Something’s up with you.”

“And you always keep asking that.”

“Do you want to break up?”

Patrick nearly chokes on his own spit. “What the fuck?”

“Look, I understand if you do,” Jonny starts to ramble. “Well, no actually I don’t understand, but I’ll respect your wishes. I just thought things were going so great between us and then all of a sudden you’re hot and cold with me. So if this is your way of telling me you want to break up then I get. Message received loud and-“

“Jonny!” Patrick interrupts him. “I don’t want to us to break up…unless that’s what you want?”

“No, of course not,” Jonny says. “But then what’s going, and don’t lie to me.”

Patrick knows there’s no way out of this one but the truth. “I’m just trying to give you what you want.”

Jonny crosses his arms and furrows his eyebrows. “And what’s that?”

“Space.”

“What are you talking about?” Jonny asks, uncrossing his arms and leaning against the porch railing.

“You told Sharpy I was too clingy,” Patrick mutters. He would rather eat his own foot than have this conversation.

“Jesus,” Jonny groans. “He told you?”

“He didn’t tell me anything,” Patrick says. “I overheard you guys talking.”

“It wasn’t like it sounded,” Jonny says, walking towards Patrick.

Patrick takes a step back. He's feeling his chest tighten, fuck not again.

“Pat, come on,” Jonny says. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Why couldn’t you just talk to me?” Patrick asks, voice cracking.

“Because it wasn’t your problem,” Jonny answers. “You weren’t doing anything wrong.”

“What do you mean I didn’t do anything wrong? I was always all over you. I couldn’t leave you alone more than a few hours,” Patrick says.

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Jonny says. “Wait, how much of it did you hear?”

Patrick shrugs. “Up to when you said you still loved me but didn’t want to tell me because you thought I’d take it the wrong way.”

Jonny groans. “Well, if you stuck around, you would have heard Sharpy and I try to figure out why I was feeling like that. I realized it was because I just wasn’t used to it. No one I’ve ever been with has cared about me or even loved me as much as much as you do. It was new to me and clearly I wasn’t dealing with it the right way.”

“That’s not on you though,” Patrick mumbles.

“It is. I have intimacy issues and I’ve been working on them,” Jonny says.

“You don’t have intimacy issues,” Patrick huffs. “I just don’t know when to stop.”

“That’s not true,” Jonny sighs. “I’ve missed you.”

“I didn’t go anywhere,” Patrick says.

“I missed the way you were,” Jonny clarifies. “I miss your cuddles and how you’d drop in on me to make sure I was okay all the time. I miss hanging out with you as much as we used to and…you don’t even kiss me anymore.”

“What? Of course I do,” Patrick says, putting his hands on his hips. “We just had sex before coming here.”

“No, I mean you never initiate things,” Jonny says. “I miss it when you kiss me randomly. I loved that.”

Patrick scrunches his face in confusion. “You miss it?”

“Yes, Pat,” Jonny says. “I didn’t realize how much it all meant to me until you stopped. I kept thinking you didn’t want me anymore, that you wanted to break up.”

“Oh, Jonny,” Patrick says, walking over to him. “I was just trying to make you happy.”

“Well stop,” Jonny says, reaching out to pull Patrick close to him. “I was happy.”

“Okay,” Patrick mumbles into Jonny’s chest.

“Seriously, Pat,” Jonny says. “I don’t want you to change a single thing about you. I love you.”

“But I was a little too in your space,” Patrick says. “And before you argue, I was. Don’t deny it.”

“Fine,” Jonny huffs.

“I think I was just scared I’d lose you after wanting you for so long and finally getting you. I couldn’t stand to have you be out of my sight,” Patrick admits something he’s been thinking about for a while. “But after this week, I’ve realized it doesn’t matter where you are because you always come back to me. Not being with you 24/7 isn’t going to ruin our relationship.”

“No, it won’t,” Jonny agrees. “But maybe don’t avoid me so much anymore?”

Patrick laughs. “I won’t, I promise.” 

“I’ve missed you so much,” Jonny says, tilting Patrick’s chin.

“Me too,” Patrick says, stretching on his tip toes and meeting Jonny halfway for a kiss.

“Wait,” Jonny says, pulling away. “Is that why you had that panic attack?”

“Uh, maybe?” Patrick says, sheepishly.

“You had me so worried,” Jonny says. “Why didn’t you just say something?” 

“It’s kind of an awkward conversation to have,” Patrick says.

Jonny sighs. “We clearly have to work on our communication.”

“’Kay, let’s start now,” Patrick says, tugging Jonny back down. “Will you please make out with me?”

Jonny grins. “Thought you’d never ask.”

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://liveinfurry.tumblr.com/)


End file.
